The Kid in the Candy Store, Chapter TwoDespondent over the loss of his benefactor uncle, vtsnaab realized that candy was going to kill him, too. He settled on Snickers bars, given that they really satisfied, or so he was told. But, rather than learn his lesson about making a decision and living with it, he turned his attention to his telephone service. Again, he was confronted with so many options! He kept asking for advice. In fact, he was up to 60 posts on his favorite forum, spread all over the place, asking everyone who who would answer for advice. There were so many smart, friendly, nerdy guys, who loved to share their knowledge, and thanks to a peculiar phenomenon, known as "Male Answer Syndrome", as long as he kept praising them, and asking more questions, he got more and more information. Soon, he had read about SIP ITSPs, DIDs, dial plans, digit maps, voice gateways, PBXs, Raspberry Pie (mmmmm, good), sipsorcery, whatever the hell that was, and his head was throbbing. Yet, he just couldn't stop asking more questions. People tried to tell him what to do, but it just made him suspicious. He wanted to stop, but he just couldn't.
Wandering through town, he came upon a big, fat Siamese cat, chillin' with a game of Angry Birds, after a night out on the prowl. He had read that Siamese are the smartest, friendliest, most people-oriented cats of all, and this one looked like he had no problem staying well fed, so he decided to ask him for advice.
"Hi Kitty", he said to the cat. "Wassup, my man? It's MISTER Bluescat to you", the Siamese said. "Mister Bluescat, I need advice. I'm trying to figure out what to do, now that Google Voice is abandoning me. I've asked so, so many questions, and it just makes me feel like I need to find out more and more, before I make a decision. One guy gave me $3.00 to try his service, so I felt obligated to use it all up--I mean, why throw free money away? Another guy promised me the cheapest rates, but his service didn't work so well. Another guy seems really friendly, and keeps bragging about his stuff, and trash-talking about his competitors, but his server is in friggin' Amsterdam, for chrissake, and I could buy the same stuff anywhere else, and, I mean, some of these guys are so nice, I think they might be pedophiles. Another guy's service looked fantastic, but he wants me to pay with PayPal, and I hate PayPal, so screw him. And... "SHUUUUUT UP!!! yeowled Bluescat, swiping him with a paw, and drawing some blood. "Like my friend Cat-erina says...seriously, STFU!"
"Jeeeeez, you are such a wussy. When's the last time you got laid?" "Um, it's been a really long time", said vtsnaaab. "I mean, I want to, but I spend too much time debating whether or not to ask the girl, and whether or not I bought the right condoms, or the right aftershave, and then she gets bored with me and she dumps me." "Listen", said Bluescat. "I get more tail than you'll ever get. Why? People think cats have nine lives. But really, we just have an amazing level of situational awareness... thass' right! We assess the situation, then we make a decision based on our hardwired genetics and our life experiences, and, we...POUNCE! Ah mean, we just GO for it, man! No pussy-footin' around. Lemme ask ya: what beer do you drink?" "Hunh?" said vtsnaab. "Well, um, I drink whatever's cheapest. I just want to get high. You know, Old Milwaukee, Natural Lite, Rainier, that sort of stuff. It isn't all that satisfying, and I have to drink a lot of it, but it gets the job done." "GAAAAACK!!!" Bluescat spit up a hairball. "Listen: you spend all that money on beer that tastes like cat piss. I should know; I have to lick myself every day. Why not drink a little less, but enjoy it more? You live in the craft brewing capitol of the United States! Go to your local hangout and order a nice mug of Manny's Georgetown Ale. Yeeeooow! Das some awesome shit! Then, pick up some Ninkasi Total Domination IPA, and some Fremont Summer Ale, and hey, maybe some Deschutes Black Butte Porter. Man, now we're talkin'. With the money you saved, instead of buying two cases of that cheap dishwater swill, you can afford to get yerself some decent SIP. Quit messing around, trying to save a couple of bucks a month. That's for losers, man. Sign up for a free inbound NY DID from Callcentric, or hey, be a playah, and sign up for a local phone number. Sign up for their North America 500 plan for outbound calling plus E911 for $6.95/month. Or, go with
voip.ms. We're talkin' quality and reliability, with great customer support. Your choice. Hey, you got yerself a OBi, man. Sign up for some cheap-ass outbound calling with Localphone, too. You don't need more than that. Done! Quit strokin' yo' dick and get out there!" Vtsnaab thanked Bluescat for his sage advice, promised to get his shit together, and strutted off, just like a cat with his tail held high.